


fuyuzakura

by didyousaygay



Category: SB19 (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-15 21:07:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29070780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/didyousaygay/pseuds/didyousaygay
Summary: They love each other but career and friendship weighed more.OrIf you've read My Personal Solar System, this is the alternate galaxy where the only fluff you'll find is Sejun's sweater and everything else are fleeting rain showers in the night sky.
Relationships: Stellvester "Stell" Ajero/John Paulo Nase | Sejun
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	fuyuzakura

**_Red.. Blue.. Black.. Brown.. Maroon.. Red.. Orange? Peach? Black again.. Yes, that's mine!!_ **Stellvester's nonsensical internal monologue stops when his 30litre backpack finally emerges from the baggage carousel, thankfully, still in one piece. He adjusts his sling bag to accommodate the massive backpack that contains a few days worth of clothes and the moment he hauls the shoulder straps and the full weight starts to settle on his back, reality sinks in.

Once he steps out of the arrival gates, there is no turning back. Funny, because he said the same thing when he stepped inside the plane, two connecting flights ago. **_There is no turning back._** He repeats it in his head a few more times. That is when he notices the teenage girl standing beside him, blatantly staring with curious and knowing eyes. He adjusts his sunglasses and, yes, he might look like an absolute prick for wearing Ray-ban's inside a tiny airport but that's the price he had to pay for popularity. Few years even after the five of them parted ways and focused on their personal goals and careers, their names and faces are still a household name. He pulls down his beanie, seizing a false sense of hope that it's enough to serve as an invisibility cloak. This is rural Japan, no one will recognize him. He repeats the ridiculous chant in his head again and frantically brisk walks his way to the exit. 

*

Tiny is an understatement, no exaggeration intended but when he steps out from the arrival gate, the entirety of the domestic airport grounds can already be seen in one sweeping gaze, there are less than twenty seats allotted for the waiting area and just a few steps in front is the drive way and drop off point. The sun is already high up but it's only eight in the morning and _**who's the prick now for wearing sun shades?!**_ Not him definitely.

And of course, he was not allowed to take a breather because he spots him instantly a few meters away, standing beside a futuristic vending machine, welcoming him with the crooked smile that has haunted him for years. The smile that makes anything unbearable worth enduring for. That smile kept Stellvester enduring even after all these years and he adjusts his Ray-ban's once again because that smile is just offensively blinding, he just can't.

John Paulo. Pau in Stellvester's head but he'd rather live in outer space and deteriorate than get caught calling him in such an endearing way. That right doesn't belong to him, never will. And curse Pau's orange hoodie and he hopes his blonde hair, styled in an unkempt mullet goes to the depths of Hades where it belongs. And Stellvester is a fat liar because Pau will always be his fluffy baby but no one needs to know that. Not even Pau. Definitely not Pau. Stellvester absent mindedly clutches his left ear, feeling the smooth edges of his single diamond stud earring and screams at himself for wearing it today. Like grasping on to a hopeless case of nostalgia, feeding him with a long shot illusion that maybe, this piece of jewellery that Pau gave him could mean something more. A man could dream. And Stellvester has been dreaming for a long time. He needs to wake up. He can't be too greedy.

The morning rays of the sun shines through the glass panels and hits John Paulo in a cinematic way and Stellvester curses again because Pau is also wearing the matching pair of diamond earring on his right ear and the dazzling glitter was ethereal and at the same time, sad. Just like their friendship. Or whatever's left of it. 

_**There is no turning back.** _

Stellvester. Tey in John Paulo's secret vocabulary but the chances of calling him intimately is close to zero. He will always admire Tey from far and he has learned to love him unconditionally from a distance. He needed to, he was required to. In a safe proximity guarded by rigid walls known as friendship. Tey can wear the most absurd coloured beanie and the most ridiculous cartoon themed sweater that he can find and John Paulo will still say he's beautiful because he is. The most beautiful in his eyes. Tey will always be the prettiest star in John Paulo's favorite constellation but no one needs to know that. He just wished Tey didn't hide his eyes behind those dark rimmed glasses because John Paulo missed losing himself in those deep irises and maybe, he never really did find his way back. He just trudged through life but in his heart, Tey has already trapped him in this unending cycle of unrequited love. John Paulo curses love. And he's a hateful liar.

_**There is no turning back.** _

"How's the big shot producer, Mr. John Paulo Nase?!" Stellvester greets him with a smile. A rehearsed smile that he's been practicing through out the flight and he strongly believes he has Oscar worthy skills in acting. _**Should I hug him? Pat him in the back?**_ Or cry his heart out because he missed him so much? He forgot to rehearse the next part after the smile and he just stands awkwardly in front of Pau, shifting his weight while balancing the backpack that suddenly feels like it's worth a ton.

"If I'm really the big shot that you accuse me of, why can't I get a record deal with you, Mr. sold-out-concerts Ajero?" John Paulo tells himself to keep his cool. But deep inside, he just wants to hug him like how he used to. But the past felt like it's already light years away. Just like how Tey is in front of him but he seems so far-fetched from his grasp. John Paulo has always been a mere by-stander in Tey's life and that's all he needed to be. He can't be selfish.

"Because you stopped calling, the calls turned to lazy texts, next thing I knew, you changed your number without even telling me. That was two years ago John Paulo." Is Stellvester bitter about it? Of course he is. Does Pau need to know how he feels? Of course not. 

"Things got busy." What a lousy excuse. But Tey doesn't need to know that two years ago, John Paulo was close to throwing their friendship away and confess. He needed the distance, because he's not as strong as how people assume him to be. Does Tey need to know how he feels? Of course not.

They both made a choice. And they chose themselves over each other. They fulfilled their dreams to become successful artists in their own right and their friendship is the consolation. 

A stale consolation. A stale but nonetheless valuable consolation. 

"Where's your stuff?" Stellvester gives him a once over because orange and black just mixes so damn well with a blonde John Paulo. If he's caught staring at him longer than necessary, it's dust swept under the rug. And the rug is already filthy, Stellvester is beyond cleansing. His unrequited love has possessed him, latched on to his soul with no intentions to leave. "Are you planning to do a comeback with that look?" He comments with a snort, hiding his desire to run his fingers through that unruly hair and feel Pau lean in his touch.

John Paulo steps closer, he hears Tey draw in a sharp breath and John Paulo takes a step back. If Tey needed the space, he's always willing to give. He'll give anything Tey needs, even if it's a breather away from him. He bends his head down, like a child waiting for a pat in the head for gaining a perfect score in his homework. Tey needs to commend John Paulo for enduring this long. "Come on, I know you want to do it." John Paulo shakes his head until the fringes fall on his face and he knows Tey will always be a sucker for it. Because Tey likes fluffy things. "You can touch my hair, you're the only person allowed to, so stop fighting it." John Paulo felt that heart wrenching ache in his chest but his brain filter takes an indefinite vacation leave whenever Tey is around.

Stellvester moves closer and cards his fingers through Pau's messy hair. "I hate you." Obvious lie. "Did the bleach go all the way to your brain?" He brushes the fringes away from Pau's forehead. Even his forehead is adorable and maybe Stellvester needs to bleach his own brain. Pau leans in to his touch and Stellvester felt the two year absence dissipate into oblivion. Where's the freaking brain bleach when you need it? Pau's hair is so soft and Stellvester is in trouble because he can't find the strength in him to let go. "I hate you so much John Paulo." Stellvester is an accomplished human being, he can buy anything he wants, he's been to places beyond anyone has ever imagined but the extreme happiness just to stand this close to Pau in a remote village in the outskirts of Japan even while carrying his literal and emotional baggage sends him to unknown extremes of joy. He's pathetic.

John Paulo looks up and he prays Tey won't see through the sadness in his eyes. He can break one of his rules, _**just this once.**_ John Paulo tells himself. And he doesn't need any preliminaries because his body instinctively moves on its own and wraps Tey in a smothering embrace. He can feel Tey melt in his arms and maybe, the world can fall apart and destroy itself and John Paulo will be fine with it. Tey is so warm and maybe, John Paulo is the one who's melting. Tey can melt John Paulo into nothingness and John Paulo will do it all over again in a heartbeat. "I missed you, Stellvester." He used to call him Stell and he used to be Sejun but their friendship became a solid fortress and they are both bound by its indestructible walls.

What a stale but valuable consolation. 

Stellvester gently pushes Pau away because if he stays longer in his arms, his legs will give way and he'll just turn into a pile of mush. "You owe me two years worth of update, John Paulo! Don't ghost me like that ever again."

"Isn't your bag heavy?" John Paulo asks with a sad smile.

"It's heavy." _**So damn heavy.**_ The bag or his feelings? Stellvester already knows the answer.

"We need to catch the 9 am bus but first.." John Paulo opens his palm up wide. "Give me your phone."

Stellvester raises an eyebrow at him but he follows. It's always been this way with them. He fishes the phone out from his back pocket and passes it to Pau. "There. Now what?"

John Paulo raises an eyebrow in challenging response. "All of them Stellvester. I know you have more than one."

Stellvester takes two more phones out from his sling bag with a frown. "There's only three okay! Am I being sent to jail or something?" Truthfully, he doesn't need any contact from the outside world. All that he needs is right in front of him. Damn, he's so pathetic.

"Not exactly, more like a house arrest, but this whole country is your entire house and I'm your caretaker."

_**You can be more than just my caretaker. I'll let you be whatever you want to be.**_ Yup, Stellvester wants to cry. Pau pulls him along, a few meters away to a neatly lined row of built in rental lockers. Pau opens one and keeps Stellvester's phones inside, taking his own phone out from his pocket, stashing the devices inside without a single care. "John Paulo, you've got to be kidding me, you, with only one phone? That's it?!"

"I work behind the scenes Stellvester, I'm not a celebrity like you."

"That doesn't make you less known." If Stellvester will be in charge, he doesn't want anyone else to know John Paulo. But he's not in charge, maybe that's why he isn't. Because he'll be too selfish to share Pau with the rest of the world. 

And maybe what they did was indeed right. Choosing themselves over each other.

Because they're too greedy for their own good.

*

The morning sun welcomes Stellvester as they step out of the airport and into the lot where the buses are parked. He just dumbly follows Pau who shows their ticket to the conductor and considering that they are not in a touristy area, the coach is decent sized, almost first class. Their seat assignment is three rows behind the driver and there are already a few passengers inside. Majority are locals, with a few backpackers like them seated behind. He removes his backpack and places it on the overhead compartment, slightly losing his balance because of its weight but Pau is already behind to support him, holding on to his waist with utmost gentleness and if Stellvester wanted to cry earlier, now he just wants to bawl his eyes out and re-evaluate his life choices. Curse Pau for taking his sunglasses away, he needs to retrieve it later.

"My big baby.." John Paulo remarks with humor and yes, that blush on Tey is so satisfying. 

"Spoken by the one who always likes to cuddle. Don't start squeezing your way in my personal space later, John Paulo."

"It's a four hour trip!" John Paulo replies with a pout. "And I haven't seen you for two years.." 

"And can you tell me who's the big baby now?!"

"I'm your big baby." John Paulo replies with a satisfied smile as he stows his own backpack beside Tey's bag. "I'm Stellvester's big baby."

_**Yes you are.**_ Stellvester stares at their matching black backpacks and wonders why everything feels perfect but terrifyingly frail.

*

  
It doesn't take five minutes from the moment they left the airport for John Paulo to prove his claim as he lifts the arm rest that separates them and squeezes himself to Tey who is next to the window. He leans against Tey's sturdy shoulders, resting his head with a contented sigh. "Hi, Stellvester.."

"I'm still upset John Paulo, you ignored me for two years. Two years!" Stellvester stares out the window as the bleary after images of never ending rice fields fill his vision.

"Thank you for wearing the earring. Took you five years to wear it."

"I still believe this diamond deserves to be destroyed in Mordor. You're doing injustice to it for letting it live a lonely life, you should take this back, let them live their life as a pair."

"Are we still talking about the earrings?"

"I hate you John Paulo."

"I missed spending time with you Stellvester."

"I missed you too."

There were so many words and restrained emotions that are thrashing its way out like a confined beast. But for the time being.. the beast needs to sleep. And hopefully, let it slumber forever.

*

  
John Paulo was woken up by a gentle tap on his shoulder and he opens his eyes to see an old lady looking down at them with a smile. He's still a bit disoriented, how long were they asleep? Because now their positions are switched with Tey snuggled close to him, one hand around John Paulo's middle. 

  
"We're already here." The old Japanese lady speaks in fluent english. "You and your husband were sleeping so soundly but the bus stops here."

"T-thank you ma'am!" John Paulo replies, embarrassed, flustered and Dear God, Tey smells so damn good, he doesn't have the heart to wake him up. Thankfully, Tey stirs and slowly opens his eyes.

"I'm leaving now, you two take care. Bye." The old lady bows to leave.

"Thank you so much ma'am!"

"Where are we John Paulo?" Stellvester groggily looks around to check. "Is this a stop over? I need to pee."

"We slept for four hours Stellvester. We're already here."

"What?!" Stellvester finally realizes that he's hugging Pau in a possessive embrace and the adorable blush on Pau just kills him. But yes, somebody kill him now because why is he clinging on to Pau like a grizzly bear? He bids his pride farewell but the feeling is so warm and overwhelming, like they're back in their tiny shared bed room when they were just starting as a group. Things were so simple back then. Nostalgia hits him hard like a wrecking ball.

"I'm glad you're able to rest." John Paulo replies, looking down on Tey's tired, sleep-ridden face and he still finds him beautiful no matter what. 

*

They alight from the bus to an old station connected to the road side. The small town is surrounded by vast mountain ranges. If not for the cemented path, you would think that you just stepped in one of Miyazaki's wild imagination of a magical forest because the autumn shades are so vibrant against the deep blue tint of the afternoon sky. The red momiji leaves against the bright yellow hues of the ginkgo trees are truly marvelous. The temperature is close to 17 degrees and Stellvester automatically seeks John Paulo's warmth, sticking close to him, hooking on to his arm like a lost child.

"Wear layers, Tey. The temperature here drops drastically after lunch." John Paulo instinctively rubs his palms together and holds Tey's hand to warm him up.

"What.. did you say?" Stellvester asks in suspended breath. He felt his stubborn heart skip a couple of beats. Well not just a couple, his heart ran like there's no tomorrow. Loving Pau is extremely exhausting. 

"Layers." John Paulo releases Stellvester's hand. He walks away to obviously fake-check the road map posted at the bus stop a few steps away from them. 

"Can you even read Japanese, John Paulo?" Stellvester calls him out with an irritated sneer.

"A little."

"Are you lying?"

John Paulo looks at Stellvester sternly. "You'll know when I'm lying, you can always see through it."

But maybe reality is harsher than the truth. That is why they continue to lie. And if lying causes a person to fall sick, they're probably both rotting corpses by now.

*

They arrive at their guest house after a ten minute walk from the bus station. There are small shop houses along the way but majority of the town is surrounded by forests and mountains. Stellvester can always trust Pau on trips like this because he's organized in every aspect. Too organized in Stellvester's opinion and at certain times, he desires to throw a monkey wrench on Pau's pristine image just so he can rely on Stellvester once more. But with Stellvester's selfish ways of thinking, it's not a surprise at all that Pau chose the life that they have right now in exchange of what could have been.

The staff guides them to a medium sized tatami room and their futons are already laid out side by side for them. It's already past three in the afternoon and they're both starving. Instead of dealing with the momentary realization that suppressed feelings and love depravity is a terrible combination with room sharing, they head out for late lunch. 

There is a conveniently located soba shop beside their guest house and with by all means good old fashioned coincidence, the kind old lady who woke John Paulo up at the bus station greets them and directs them to their table. John Paulo continues to thank her and Stellvester has no idea why. They ordered the house specialty noodles with generous amounts of pickled vegetables and hot tea. 

John Paulo wanted Tey to try the pickled ginger, using his own chopstick to feed him, Tey complies but makes a disgusted face after.

"John Paulo, I'm not letting you feed me ginger, ever again!" Pau laughs heartily, his eyes disappearing into adorable crescents and Stellvester, forever smitten, just stares at him longingly.

Stellvester looks for the toilet and John Paulo waits for him when the old lady serves two bowls of steaming shiruko, a sweet soup based dessert. He was surprised because they didn't order any dessert but the lady just smiled and said it's on the house, wishing him and Tey, his alleged husband good luck. John Paulo corrects her assumption and tells her that they are not married. On which she simply replies with "That young man looks at you so lovingly, like his whole world revolves around you. What are you waiting for?"

This time, John Paulo is one hundred percent sure that the old lady isn't a real human being but a fairy god mother living in the deep realms of the magical forest.

But him and Tey don't live in a fairy tale world. The real world is rigid, critical and unforgiving. But for now, this fairy tale is their reality. Three days may not be enough but John Paulo will treasure it until it's time to return to everything that's real.

*

  
"John Paulo, you have your own bed and you've been sleeping by yourself for years now! Go to sleep." Stellvester turns his back on Pau. This pointless intimacy in their ambiguous relationship needs to stop. Loving Pau is so exhausting. _**Liar.**_

"Just for ten minutes, please.. just ten minutes and I'll sleep on my own.."

"I could have you given you longer than that Pau.. I could.. If only--"

"I'm sorry Tey. I'm so sorry." 

Stellvester turns around with tears streaming in his eyes but he doesn't bother to hide it. "Please hold my hand Pau." He reaches out with shaking hands.

John Paulo holds Tey's hand with insurmountable yearning. "Sleep well Tey."

They both cried and eventually fell asleep but they held on to each other's hand until morning.

*

  
The hiking trail is filled with moss and low hanging vines, a daunting sight for beginners but the morning sunrays beaming through the thick foliage of red, yellow and brown autumn shades creates an enchanting scene but Stellvester wouldn't want to imagine how it looks like at night, he ducks to avoid the tree branches in the way with Pau patiently trailing behind him. They've been hiking for two hours now and it was all spent in silence. But he doesn't mind. Spending time with Pau whether it's on the hottest desert in the world or the creepiest haunted forest in Japan makes no difference. Loving Pau is so exhausting and Stellvester will be an eternal liar.

Pau will always be in that special place in Stellvester's heart where no one is allowed to enter.   
And he knows he equally holds that place in Pau's heart.

They reach an elevated clearing with weeping cherry blossoms and because sakura is out of season, the lonely branches welcomes them with its solitaire mood. Stellvester can't help but think that their relationship is exactly like cherry blossoms in autumn. Ephemeral. Beautiful but at the same time withered and out of place.

"When will Spring time come, John Paulo?"

"Have you heard of the Winter cherry blossoms?"

"How many Winters do I have to endure to see Spring?"

"I find you more of a Summer person, Stellvester."

"I surely do hate Autumn."

"Are we still talking about the seasons?"

"Pau.."

"Tey.."

It's not a stale consolation. It's not.

There are cherry blossoms that bloom in winter.

**Author's Note:**

> Are you mad? Don't be. :)))


End file.
